My Cat’s Performance Review of Me One Year into the Pandemic
He’s not impressed.
Welcome
Thanks for meeting with me right meow to discuss your performance in the past year.
Motivation
Occasionally it’s been low. You seemed distracted at times. Ideally you should be throwing a jingle ball for me and/or enticing me to chase my favorite feather sticks at least five times a day, even if I hide under the bureau and just stare at the toys but refuse to come out. This is meant to build your attention span and stamina.
Working environment
It’s true that you’ve been around more in the past year. But that doesn’t mean you’ve been paying attention to me every day, 24/7. Sometimes you’ve had to leave for “walks” and “groceries” or to “take a drive” for your “sanity.” Those sound like excuses.
You’ve generally been available for me to nap on your lap at least once every day. This is appreciated and is a decent baseline for the future, aka forever. Think about what you can do to be stationary even more often so that I can settle in and sleep on your lap for hours at a time.
Dedication
You been getting up at 6:30 a.m. to feed me breakfast. You’ve also hopped out of bed several times at 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. to check on me after you heard my cries. It turned out that I was just taking a quick break from sleeping to carry my toys around like a lion would carry his prey and roar in the night. Thanks for showing that your dedication to my well-being doesn’t “paws” even when you’re trying to rest.
Team building
You’ve taken me out on the balcony several times a week to enjoy the fresh air. I see you’ve filed a formal request to ask me to wear a kitty harness and leash for safety on the balcony for meow. You said it’s because once I jumped on the balcony railing and although I had the situation under control (but maybe it looked like I was wildly teetering) you desperately and quickly grabbed my tail and hindquarters, preventing me from tumbling over the edge to meet an uncertain fate. That was a little clumsy, but I guess it was good teamwork.
Social media
You’ve made impressive strides on my Instagram account, growing engagement by 75%, responding to comments, and gaining new followers. We need to concentrate more on video. Please try to catch more meme-worthy moments. I won’t be helping — I’ll just be acting as I normally do, so it’s up to you to craft shareable snippets out of my typical cat behaviors of eating, walking, sleeping, and running around in rare bursts of wild energy known as “the zoomies.”
Wrap-up
Overall, your efforts have been barely acceptable, yet I’ve decided to let you stay on for the next year. I see promise in you and think you’re up for the challenge of meeting my high standards. Please keep working to improve on problem areas.
If you need me for anything … I’ll be napping.
